The Big Toe


Bizzy D, the kids and I were heading to my father and mother-in-law’s condo in Aventura. They recently arrived in town from Israel and we wanted to take them out to a new spot for dinner, a place we knew they would really enjoy. Bizzy D raved to them how so many of our friends loved-loved this place and always ordered take-in from there on the holidays. And even better, it was Kosher. Deb assured them that they had the most amazing food. “Just wait until you have their Nova,” Deb said over the phone. “It’s the best. The best.” 

My father-in-law is Nisan and his wife is Hana, but I call her the Big Toe. The name Big Toe was born as it slipped out of my mouth during my thank you speech at my wedding.   Bizzy D and I were at the head of a giant round dinner table seating all 36 guests, I went around the room and individually thanked each guest one at a time. It was spontaneously charming. I had something funny and something warm to say about each guest. It was going so well. Everyone thought I had this all planned out. Nope. 

“And I want to thank Hana, the Big Toe,” I said as I raised my Champagne glass and everyone erupted into loud laughs, except Hana, Nisan and Bizzy D. The drinks had lubricated my “thank you” speech but I realized I was on the verge of a serious crash. I had to recover, and fast. Hana is a wonderful, powerful woman, filled with love and great advice. She is also on the heavy side. The Big Toe comment could easily go the wrong way. Everyone was looking between me and Hana to see how this would play out. Seconds seemed to drag out for hours. Hana looked at me with intense eyes that made my balls shrivel. 

“Hana is the glue that binds our family. She offers wise advice in challenging times. She has the comfy shoulder when your head needs to lean. She is like the big toe on the foot. She keeps everything in balance,” I said. Every erupted into cheer, even Hana, Nisan and Deb. I glanced over to my mother who’s stern face was dripping with jealousy. 

 We pulled up to their apartment building and Nisan and Hana were seated on the bench outside their condo, ready to go.

CUT TO:
INTERIOR-LARGE SUV

After dinner, Vince is driving his wife’s large SUV with Nisan and the Big Toe seated directly behind, leaning over the back of the front seat, violating the front compartment driver's space. Their daughters, Jordan (5) and Morgan (3), are in the way-back seats.

The Big Toe

So, tell me Vince, that place. We waited for 20 minutes at the table and they couldn't think to bring us a cup of water.

Nisan

Or a menu.

The Big Toe

So, is this what your friends like? They should know from Salmon.

Vince

My friends, many different ones, told me this was the best Jewish deli anywhere. Even better than New York one said.

The Big Toe

Maybe they like the take-out for the holidays. Let me tell you, this was not Kosher.

Nisan

So, Deb-e-le. 6 months went quick.


(Nisan and Hana live 6 months in Israel and 6 months close to us in Miami.)


The Big Toe

Maybe we should have eaten at the Cheese Factory. There, it's always good.

Deb

It really went fast. It seems like yesterday you just leaving.

The Big Toe

And, so, now we're back.

Vince

And now you're back.

Deb

Doesn't time seem to be going faster?

Nisan

It is going faster babe.

Deb

It seems to be speeding up.

The Big Toe

It gets faster and faster. Just wait. You'll see. Unless you are at that restaurant. There, nothing moves.

Deb

Time has picked up speed. I woke up and it's already November. Another year gone.

The Big Toe

And when you are my age, you will see. I tell you, it goes really really fast.

Vince

Why is this car ride taking so long.

The Big Toe

Before you know it, the kids we be going to college. God willing.

Nisan

They ARE going to college.

Deb

Is it possible that time has some how sped up?

Vince

Time is time. 60 seconds. 1 minute. 24 hours. A day. A month. A yea...

Deb

Did you pay for the college pre-paid program yet?


CUT TO
INTERIOR-DORM ROOM

Twenty years earlier. Vince is in college at the University of Florida and is under a small loft inside a fraternity house dorm room. His roommate and best friend is Greg Morelli.

A loud and repeating scratching sound is heard.

Vince

Morelli, are you jerking off?

Greg

Um....no

Vince

What the fuck are you doing? I can't sleep.

Greg

Ah...scratching my feet


CUT TO
INTERIOR - VINCE AND DEB'S KITCHEN

It'sThanksgiving Day. Bizzy-D isn’t fond of the kitchen and would rather have Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. Vince has therefore been the Thanksgiving chef over the years. He enjoys cooking the Thanksgiving dinner and has made some amazing turkeys. As Nisan and the Big Toe enter the house, Vince is moving quickly around the kitchen's center island. There are two ovens working and he plops a giant 30 pound turnkey into a large pan and walks over to the sink and turns the water on. The Big Toe rushes in and forcibly grabs the turkey right out Vince's hands, popping her big hip and chucking him to the side. Vince almost falls to the floor.

THE BIG TOE

Vince, Vince. Let me help you.

VINCE

No, I'm ok. Really, I..

THE BIG TOE

Get me some salt. Do you have any Kosher salt?

VINCE

What do you need salt for?
THE BIG TOE

I'm going to clean it. And clean it good.

Hana cleans the enormous turkey under the water at the giant sink. She flops and rubs and scrubs it. She gets progressively more intense. Flopping and scrubbing. Inside and out. Scrub and rub. S
After a final scrub in and out, up and down, she holds up the 30 pound carcass which now looks like a tortured prisoner from Abu Grab prison.

 Vince is looking around inside the crowded spice cabinet for salt..

VINCE

Why do you want Kosher salt? Are you going to make it Kosher? I only have regular salt.


The Big Toe grabs the box of salt from Vince’s hand and pours two pounds of salt all over the beaten turkey carcass.

VINCE

WOW!. C'mon. You're gonna ruin my turkey. It's gonna be all salty now.

Vince tries in vain to gain control of the turkey. With every move, the Big Toe counters and blocks him. A hip thrust here. Vince fails to get the bird back into his dominion. The Big Toe rolls the mashed bird over and over in the soupy salt slime. 

THE BIG TOE

Now it's clean. Vince, dear, can you get me some Paprika?

VINCE

Paprika! No way! I will not let you put that on my turkey.


Comments

  1. Greg The Greatest Of The GreatSeptember 6, 2018 at 7:35 AM

    I recommend Tough Actin' Tinactin. But don't take it from me, take it from John Madden, The Big Toe of football...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJHIFiD3Na8

    ReplyDelete

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