Getting Testy

What makes a man a man? This thought can easily go in way too many directions. For example, I’m not talking about being a good father shit or treating a woman right. I’m talking physically. And I'm also not talking the obvious penis and balls stuff. I’m thinking chemically; Testosterone - the man juice. Without it, men morph into women. And after menopause, women lose their girl juice and they morph into men. Old men and women are only distinguishable by wardrobe choices.

With one foot in a boot and holding myself up on crutches, I was in the gym waiting for my brother to arrive. I may have been non-weight bearing, but I was in the gym bearing weights. After a couple weeks of howling around, I was accustomed to spontaneuous small talk and questions about my injury and surgery, especially in the gym.  As I had a couple quick one liners ready that were smart and funny, and were certain not to lead to more dialogue, some guy standing behind as table said, “Want come in and get a level check? We got all the goodies.” The question didn’t register in my brain’s predictable conversation center.

He was standing behind a booth set up at the front of the gym and he was promoting his growing business, Testosterone Nation. His face told me he was around 55; his jet black hair and wrinkled neck said 60; and his body, loaded with shredded muscles said 32. I was curious, but said no thanks and then my brother turned the corner.

I’m 50 and my brother is turning 49 ad only a week before this day we were talking about getting our testosterone levels checked. Everyone I know who has had their levels checked was somehow deficient. How was that possible? Were they basing it on what a 30 year old’s levels should be? Deficient based on what?

Everyone I talked to that is on Testosterone, or T as its called in the world of anti-aging supermaning life, swears they feel great, have tremendous energy, get rock hard, put on a ton of muscle, see through bikinis and they even think more clearly. The fountain of youth in a needle taken once a week. Who wouldn’t want to take T?

After our workout, we stopped at the T booth. The guy introduced himself as Berk. Do you have to get a cool, new name when you’re on T? I asked him if he was a doctor and he confessed that he was not; he was the business owner. He had a doctor working for him who would test our levels and then put us on a replacement plan. This would only cost $200 per month.

Why did he assume our levels were low? Did I look like I needed either a bra or a shot of T? Or because everyone is low, according to Dr. Berk? He was ready to shoot us up with T. I had more questions. 

A cursory investigation had warned me that as testosterone levels increase, male pattern baldness also increases. I only have a skeleton network of hair on my head now, but I do have hair. I want to keep those few hairs as long as I can. I asked Berk, “Does this T stuff cause hair loss?” 

Berk said, “Out of all the people we have ever serviced, we have never had someone say they it caused hair loss. But it could and if it does, the doc would monitor your blood levels and check your DHT and make adjustments.”

“Make adjustments!” I shouted. Any level of advanced hair loss would be too much of a move for me. In fact, even a minor, tiny bit of hair loss would be devastating for me. I would have to start to shave my head and turn into that shaved head guy. That would also result in a whole new wardrobe. A very costly transformation.

I said to Berk, “The hair thing makes it a big problem for me. If there is a 3% chance of hair loss, I’m 100% out. But let’s say there’s no hair loss and I start the T and it goes well, how long do you do it for?”

Berk seemed like no one had ever asked this question. He said, “However long you need it; I’ve been doing it for 5 years.”

My brother jumped in, “If you’re taking testosterone, doesn’t your body stop making it?”

I added, “Yeah, I heard that if you stop taking T after a long time, you might not start producing naturally again; ever!”

Berk said that he had another shot to take that prevented this. Another item for sale. A shot you take in your belly fat or love handles once a week.

In one split second, the following entire thought registered in my brain:

Bruce Jenner won gold in the 1976 Olympics in Montreal. After he won the decathlon, he took an American flag from a fan and ran around the track for a victory lap. He started that tradition by the way. He was ripped with muscle. He was America’s super star athlete.

As almost all of the athletes of the time, Bruce most likely took a mixture of anabolic steroids and testosterone for many years; probably decades. At some point, taking shots in the ass and supplements to keep your liver alive can wear you out.

Bruce was America's sweet heart and hero. Back when people still ate cereal, he was on the box of Wheaties. I never understood how this was such a big deal, but back then, it was huge. This was the original massive social media post; he was Kim before Kim.

I hated Wheaties; by far the worst cereal ever. Realizing how awful it was, the manufacturers tried to coat one side with a some type of white frosting to make it taste better. It was even worse. It was like chewing dried out hay. It was horse food. Still, my mother bought us the Bruce Jenner box and tried to get us to eat that crap. I remember thinking then at 7 years old, if this cereal is this bad, that guy Bruce must suck too. If he was really great, if he was so spectacular, he'd be on a box of Count Chocula or Fruit Loops.

So Bruce gave up the man sauce T, settled down and married Kris Jenner. He was in a house surrounded by women and female hormones. His balls never got back to work. After a long pause from working, like a housewife who retires to raise the children and then the kids grow up but she never goes back to work, his balls never went back to work.

Without his body producing T, he felt less and less manly. He started feeling more sensitive and fashion began to seem important.  He even started having dry periods; when Kim and Kourtney would get their periods, he'd get all emotional and crazy too. He slowly became a woman, not realizing that his years on T had been a ticking manhood time-bomb..

As my thought process ended, Berk pulled out the calendar on his phone and said, "What day next week do you guys want to come in for testing? We can get you on the T, and discuss other goodies, by next Friday?"

I pulled up a picture of Caitlyn Jenner on my phone. I said to Berk,"I'm not ready to wear a dress," and we walked out.


Comments

  1. Sounds like Berk took the J from Jerk & thought switching out the letter B would be enough distance to not see him for what he is. That said, I think you'd look good in a dress, Bince.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Binnie Bincent agrees. Time to T up.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog