If You Don’t Know, Now You Know

Three months ago, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It metastasized from her lungs to her spine. Wow, that sounds pretty bad.  Hold on, don’t click away just yet. This isn’t your normal “my _________ has cancer” sob story, so stay with me for a bit.

One careless doctor told me over the phone, while he was clearly driving in a convertible, that my mom was flush with cancer and had just weeks to live. He delivered this information with the same tone my wife’s discount decorator told us we should change our kitchen counter tops from granite to quartz. I describe the doctor as careless, not as a criticism, but as a factual statement. For an oncologist, who watches all of their patients die, being careless must be an incredible asset. I imagine that the continuing education courses for Oncology have two categories: 1-maximizing profit through Kemo and 2-Muting emotions/surviving when none of your patients can.

Three months in, my mom is on immunotherapy and she seems to be better than ever. It’s really amazing. Just 2 months ago my brother and I had funeral conversations, end of life videos for goodbyes were planned and other morbid discussions were had as we prepared for the worst. We talked about who was going to take care of her dying dog Picalo? We had her sign over her car title and we had a lawyer friend give us documents for her to sign to avoid probate court. And now she’s fine. Better than ever.

Is it wrong to somehow feel cheated here? I did a great deal of getting ready and now its like nothing ever happened. It involved a massive emotional build up and the crazed realization that I was going to be an orphan. How many more times can I go through that emotional roller coaster. Do I need to go to one of the doctor's continuing education courses? Her dog is real old and could die at any minute. Maybe I can hold on to my emotions for a little while and really let lose for Picalo’s dog funeral.

During our morbid planning stage, which only lasted a week or so, I kept noticing one particular type of post on Facebook that really bothered me. Maybe those types of posts were always there and I only noticed them after I thought my mom was about to die. Kind of like you only notice how many pregnant women are out here until your wife is pregnant.

 People post long tributes to their mothers who died 1, 2, 5 or X amount of years ago and then put up a bunch of pictures spanning decades to review her life and the people who loved her. I vowed I’d never, ever do one of these.

“You’ve been gone exactly one year today and it’s been the hardest day of my life! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t speak, think or look at your pictures. You made a big difference in everyones lives and you were so loved by everyone that ever met you. I love you and miss you so much,” is a typical post.

The stock market clearly has Facebook undervalued. Zuckerberg figured a way to reach dead moms.  Brilliant. He would be even more of a genius if he gave the dead moms a button in heaven, or hell, to like their kids’ posts and maybe even the ability to share them.

So last night I was sitting with my mom as she complained that the nurses aid who hangs with her, cooks for her, cleans for her and generally entertains her is too pushy, I noticed that Picalo fell over and couldn’t get back up. I rushed over, thinking he died. I slowly laid my hand on his back to feel if he still had a breath and he suddenly jumped up and barked like a puppy. He’s not going to die so fast. E tu brute?

Comments

  1. Greg The Greatest Of The GreatOctober 20, 2018 at 9:39 AM

    Those facebook tribute posts irk me on a level I confess turns me into a vindictive volcano. I find myself shooting hot lava at people whose only crime is positioning themselves to win the sash for pity party champion of the universe. It's not easy figuring out how to get people to notice you. Going for the laugh is certainly a risk that usually falls flat but personally speaking, I admire the attempt. Glad your mom is doing great. She was my dancing partner at your wedding. Please tell her I say hi :)

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