Chins

I recently noticed that my under chin is a little saggy. It looks like I have a bit of a pelican pouch hanging there. How the fuck did that happen? If I pull it up to the side with my thumb, it disappears, but I can’t walk around like that all the time. Sometimes, when necessary, I can lean on my hand and secretly pull the extra skin up with my thumb. I only use this when I want to impress someone, who probably isn’t looking at me anyway.

This “thinker pose” only feels natural when I'm sitting. I tried to do it walking around; holding one hand to my chin as if I was just casually walking and really thinking hard. I studied the look in the the bathroom mirror and realized it was off, way off.  But it looked ok when I used my other arm as a support for the elbow. The “walking thinker” I call it. I figure I can walk around as if I’m studying a building’s architecture or I’m pondering Middle East peace or how did Trump win the election.

How often can I really do this? And how did this happen to me in the first place? Is this excess skin the result of weight loss? Over the last years, I leaned out quiet a bit. I work out more and eat less. The fact that my wife hates to cook helps. But really, I only shed a few pounds, not loads of fat. Not enough for this much skin sag.  

For my level of under chin skin sag to be the result of weight loss, I would have gone from from Fat Albert size to J.J. Evans from Good Times size; you know, the skinny guy who loved to say “dynomite.” 

I need answers. What can be done? I thought maybe I’d just pack on some weight; you know, fill it out. Put some junk in my neck trunk. It sure seems like it would be fun to eat all the cake, Mc Donalds, ice cream and cookies I could buy and then skip the gym for a couple months. But I like going to the gym and I the thought of a fat lover’s diet grosses me out.

I wanted to know how this happened. It seemed to happen over night. Or did it creep up and I finally paid attention to my profile? The first time I thought about Googling “how the hell did my neck get saggy as shit,” I was a little worried about putting that into the all mighty Google. What if I was abducted and then the FBI came to my house and search my computer and the last thing I put into Google was “how the hell did my neck get saggy as shit?” That would be a very embarrassing headline. Then again, who is going to abduct me, a group of Gypsy porn stars? And would there even be any headline at all if I disappeared? Ok, so I cleared my thoughts and put Google to work. 

Apparently, besides me, only women are asking this question; not one picture of a guy on any of the the result sites. The top result was (https://beautyblackbook.com/turkey-neck-part-ii/). The inspirational quote is to “change the things I cannot accept.” This seems in direct conflict with what I preach to my daughters; love yourself for who you are. These sites exploit our insecurities and sell products of questionable value. You know, American capitalism at its’ finest.

I let go of my neck obsession for a while. I would have to accept myself. Then, at the gym, my buddy told me that his wife, who is around my age, was going in for surgery to fix her saggy neck. Fix implies broken. Am I broken? Shit, my turkey neck seemed particularly saggy that day in all of those giant mirrors at the gym.

My friend informed me that the actual cause of this earth shattering problem, other than a Fat Albert to JJ weight loss, was that a tendon which runs down the side of the face becomes less elastic as we age and the result is a droopy pouch under the chin. It’s like a rubber band that’s been stretched too much. The doctor can surgically make it like new by sniping some excess rubber band off and making it snappy again.

My wife studied Yoga and is a spiritual scholar. She reads book after book on energy healing and clearing chakras. Mediation, centering of the soul and finding oneness with the singularity are goals. And then, at the end of the day, as she lays in bed, she watch the House Wives of every fucking over priced city in America. The women on those shows are the worst of what American society has produced. The tremendous level of obnoxious, selfish, materialistic and morally bankrupt behavior has never been displayed on one show, at one time, ever before.

Beyond the behavior, every woman on that show is the victim of countless plastic surgical procedures. Their vanity has turned them all into monstrosities of human form; the elite society look I guess. This must be what good plastic surgery results actually look like. They are all super rich and I presume are using the best doctors that excessive money can buy. And they still look so off. If they look horrible, the last thing I need is to have a neck fixing procedure make me look like I had a bad neck fixing procedure. 

I think I will simply find more ways to use my thumb.